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The Birds and the Bees
"JANE, ELIZABETH, MY LOVES; I would have a word with you," came the summons from Mrs. Bennet.
The two young ladies
could not wonder over the reason for such a request, for in twelve
hours each would leave Longbourn forever, and both had a fair
idea of a mother's duty at a time like this. One of the ladies
was to remove the modest distance to Netherfield, the other to
go far to the north to Pemberley - though not as far as Newcastle
(poor Lydia)!
The two sisters
entered their mother's room. "Dears, please sit. Oh, but
I have much to tell you!" their mother cried. Both did as
they were bid. Jane was embarrassed over the blush that covered
her cheeks; she was mortified over her contemplations of the
nature of the conversation to come. Lizzy's one wish was to be
anywhere but in this room; she had no doubts that whatever advice
she would be offered by her mother would be of the worst kind.
Oh, but if only my Aunt Gardiner were here tonight rather
than at an inn in Meryton!
"My dears,
my dear sweet girls…" Mrs. Bennet began. She fluttered
her handkerchief before her face as she began to pace about the
room. Despite her apprehension, Lizzy could not help but be amused
at actions that seemed very like those of an otherwise excellent
man from Derbyshire. "Bless me! What thoughts; what fears
must being going through you heads this night! Your - oh, my
poor nerves - your last night as maidens!"
The two ladies blanched.
Mrs. Bennet seemed
to get control of herself. "I have prepared you both well
for your duties as mistresses of your respective husbands' households.
I have no fears for you there, as Mr. Darcy has a staff of a
hundred servants with a housekeeper of long standing, I should
not doubt! And Mr. Bingley too; his people seemed to know their
business, though they could be more quiet! But, my loves, your
most important duty is…is… producing an heir! Oh yes!
For it is a truth universally acknowledged that a young gentleman
of fortune must be wanting of an heir!"
I believe I will
be ill now…
"You have…
observed… the livestock…? Need I say more of…
the mechanics?"
Both sisters shook
their heads violently. Would this interview never end?
"Good - that
is well. But, my loves, I must tell you that if you are diligent…
the act…. After the first time; it can be…" Mrs.
Bennet paused, searching for words.
Jane and Elizabeth
waited expectantly.
"…Quite
diverting!"
The sisters gasped.
"Oh, yes! Your
sister Mrs. Wickham has the right of it." Mrs. Bennet smiled
as she mentally recalled Lydia's exclamation at the table during
her late visit: "Is not my husband handsome? I am prodigiously
fond of him. Wickham does everything best in the world!"
Ah, to be a bride again!
"Lydia?!?"
exclaimed Lizzy.
"Do not be
so high and mighty, Miss Lizzy! I have no fears for you, dear
Jane. Mr. Bingley is so thoughtful and kind. He will surely be
a most obliging husband, I am sure." She sighed. "I
knew you could not be so beautiful for nothing. A bit of encouragement,
a thankful kiss, and all will be well. You shall have a houseful
of children! How delightful!
"But as for
you, Lizzy…" she sighed again. "I have nothing
against your Mr. Darcy. He is a proud and upright man, but with
ten thousand a year, who can blame him? But I worry for you.
Hearken to me and I can tell you how it can be done!
"I must tell
you both that the first time can be…uncomfortable. There
shall be a little blood; such a small price to pay for such houses,
such husbands! It is nothing! As for the nights to follow, it
can be all delightful if you flatter and encourage your
husbands. You must put aside all maidenly behavior and praise
your husbands to the skies! All men like to hear well of themselves.
They shall respond most agreeably; trust me on this!"
The girls could
only struggle for breath at this communication.
"Lizzy, your
task will be the greater. You tell me you have some affection
for Mr. Darcy; that is well. Your undertaking will then be not
at all unpleasant. Mr. Darcy is not a passionate man, I know.
You must therefore… go to him, if necessary. You must bear
an heir. Use your arts and allurements! You are pretty enough.
You must bewitch him, my love. And, if you can teach him to be
kind, to… linger with you… such raptures! Oh, my dear,
you shall not repine, I assure you!"
Elizabeth could
not speak, and Jane's blushes were redoubled for her sister's
sake.
"Have you any
questions? Jane?"
"Umm…
No, Mama."
"Lizzy? I hope
you will not disregard what I have said. I know of what I speak."
"I…I shall
not forget your good counsel, Mama."
"Do you think
you can…. handle Mr. Darcy?"
Elizabeth thought
back to the stolen kisses and improper caresses shared in darkened
hallways and shady gardens. Mr. Darcy not passionate, indeed!
Ha! "I…I shall manage, Mama. Thank you."
"Oh, good.
I know how it shall be! I think I shall grow distracted! May
you both have the exquisite pleasure of the marriage bed that
I…umm… that can be enjoyed!" She kissed both her
daughters and sent them to bed, to wrestle with the same thoughts:
"It can
be quite diverting!"
"Go to him,
if necessary. Use your arts and allurements!"
"You shall
have a houseful of children. How delightful!"
Both Jane and Elizabeth
could add. There were five Bennet daughters. They were not found
under a cabbage plant. That could only mean…
Jane and Elizabeth
Bennet fought to sleep, with no little difficulty, not because
of what was to follow on the morrow, but under the curse of Too
Much Information.
The End
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